Alway be Prepared for the Worst

909/2009

So, talking about a fart waking you up…..

I was a territory salesman for a John Deere dealership and I spent most of my days on the road. Tuesday mornings at 7:30 am we had a sales team meeting at the main dealership location with the owners that was an hour drive from my parents house so I had to be quiet when I got up at 5:30 on these mornings.

One particular Tuesday morning I awoke to a loud noise at about 5:15 that was not my alarm going off. I lay there confused as to what the loud noise was that woke me. As I stood at the sink I felt a slight back pressure and shifted to release.. the loudest thunder-clap I had ever heard ripped out and echoed so bad in the tile bathroom that I swore I woke up the entire house. After two or three more of these thunderous monsters that were rather harmless in smell considering the growl they put forth….. I looked out the door to see if people were waking up… and then deduced that obviously this was the cause for my early wake up. The coast was clear.. no one in the house was aware weapons of mass destruction had been released.

An hour or so later………

I’m in the middle of nowhere about 20 minutes from the office when I feel the same familiar back pressure and I perform the old tried and true method of leaning to one side to aid in it’s release…. I even put a little strain into it to achieve the maximum decibels.

Houston…. we have a problem….. I have just experienced rear main seal breach and the cargo bay is full….. (and I can’t believe I have just shat myself)

As I sat back up straight in bewilderment…. I felt an unfamiliar sensation of warmth spreading around in area’s I wasn’t accustomed to feeling warmth (I’m currently driving 60 mph and the road has no shoulders to pull off on). I start panicking as the situation begins to become clear to me….. “I have no extra pants… what if it soaks through??” I immediately raise my body up off the seat of my truck and frantically attempt to unbutton and pull my pants down with one hand while leaving the underwear in tact and still driving with the other hand. As I get my pants down to my ankles I remember I have a roll of paper towels and begin to stuff them under me on the seat so I can sit back down (still driving) and not contaminate the seat.

I start to think how I’m going to get my boxers off with my boots still on and my pants around my ankles… without making a larger mess than I already have. “I’ve got a pocket knife in the door pocket….. I’ll cut them off!!” I proceed to cut away my boxers with extreme care still driving down the highway at 60 mph. I gently pull the loaded boxers out from under me like a magician yanking the table cloth and wanting to leave the contents on the table cloth….. undisturbed. I quickly wrap the boxers up in a mass of paper towels and begin to make a diaper by wrapping the paper towel roll back and forth until I had a good 7 ply paper towel diaper.

By now, I’m getting into the town limits so I decide to cut through a bad area of town in order to get rid of the evidence. I made sure no one was looking I released the dirty bomb out the window and it came to rest in the middle of a sidewalk (some poor kid walking to school got a shocker).

I pull up to the office just in time to gingerly pull my pants back up and grab my gym shorts and make a run across the parking lot/yard and into the building. At this point I could see my reflection in the windows as I walked up to the building and it appeared as though I was wearing a massive adult diaper (depends) under my pants… all I could do was pray that no one was in the only bathroom (single stall) in the entire office and that I would not meet see anyone before making it to the bathroom. I emptied the paper towel dispenser giving myself a paper towel bath.

During the meeting people kept asking each other if they smelled something and the boss told everyone to check their feet b/c someone HAD to have stepped in crap.

Moral of the experience……. never leave home without a roll of paper towels… and a pocket knife.

posted under Bathroom Humor
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