Clark Kent Crapper


I hate pooping at work, but I’m not about to deny my body its basic need to rid itself of waste. I know I’m weird about pooping though so I thought I’d share.

I’m a one man show. I won’t shit where someone’s already shitting unless it’s an absolute emergency. I work on the top floor of an 8 story building. If someone is taking a crap in our bathroom, I go down to 7 and check that one. Occupied? Rinse and repeat. I’ve gone as low as 2 but not the lobby. The walk back up feels much more rewarding.

I am the clark kent of crapping at work. If I’m taking a dump and someone who obviously doesn’t follow my rule above comes in and starts crapping, I’ll wait him out. He will come and go, and I may learn his identity when he leaves but he’ll never learn mine unless he remembers my shoes. Oh hey Bob from accounting, nice splatter echo. Glad you could share that. Never talk to me again. I’ve had guys try to wait me out, but they didn’t know who they were dealing with. They are clearly outmatched. I will die on that toilet if necessary. The longest I’ve ever had to wait is 35 minutes and there was a sports section in there to pass the time. I realize that I could possibly run into a string of several crappers in a row and spend days in the john, but I haven’t had to yet.

Find a happy place. When my routine is interrupted by someone who wants to shit with me, I cover my ears when they’re dropping the load and grunting. I don’t want to hear that! There’s this guy I work with who I swear must shit a gallon. And we must be on the same schedule because he always seems to catch me in there. Carl, if you’re reading this, please eat more fiber. And email me your schedule so I can adjust mine accordingly. I don’t ask for much.

(mild case of) ocd shitter

posted under Bathroom Humor
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