During lunch around the office there are typically a bunch of people out in the hall and in the lobby. Our restroom is located in the lobby and is typically pretty busy at this time of day. One of my favorite things to do with a few of my fellow co-workers is to stand outside the bathroom at this time and start applauding when people come out. They get totally embarrassed because everyone around us thinks that they totally just blew the doors off the bathroom stall. Women get particularly em Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday at work I napped for one hour in a men’s bathroom stall. It’s pretty pathetic how I’ve learned how to do this.

Guys: remember when you were in elementary school and you went to the urinal to go pee. It wasn’t uncommon to pull your pants all the way down to your ankles, have your ass exposed, and let the yellow fly. Well I thought it would be funny to do the same as an adult and so I did it. I pulled up next to one of my co-workers in the bathroom, dropped my drawers all the way down so that my pants were touching my shoes, and peed as if everything were normal. He was less than thrilled and I laughed Read the rest of this entry »

Everytime I have to go #2 at work I’ll wait until the cleaning lady goes though to disinfect everything. Then, when I am done, I feel bad later because I have ruined her work.

I hate pooping at work, but I’m not about to deny my body its basic need to rid itself of waste. I know I’m weird about pooping though so I thought I’d share.

I’m a one man show. I won’t shit where someone’s already shitting unless it’s an absolute emergency. I work on the top floor of an 8 story building. If someone is taking a crap in our bathroom, I go down to 7 and check that one. Occupied? Rinse and repeat. I’ve gone as low as 2 but not the lobby. The walk back up feels much more Read the rest of this entry »

It’s another bathroom story, but at least it’s a story:

I’m in the stall today, handling my business. There are other people in the bathroom handling their business as well. All of a sudden someone enters the stall next to mine and slams the stall door shut.

The problem is they slammed it so hard that my door lock was knocked loose and my door swung wide open. Everyone who was currently washing their hands got a full blown peep of me digging in my backside trying to clea Read the rest of this entry »

O.K. My co-workers want to know how pee keeps getting all over the women’s toilet seat. WTF? Do you think I’m going to sit my — on a toilet seat that strangers sit on ? I do try to wipe it , but aparently not too well. Is there anyone else out there who sits on the public toilets?

Because I am a humongous tool I decided to buy hip/trendy jeans with holes in them. One hole is conveniently located on the back right pocket; the same pocket where I keep my keys.

So I’m at work, in the bathroom, takin’ care of business. Bombs away. I let fly like Mussolini from a balcony. It was gross. It smelled like an open milk carton that was left outside during 95 degree weather.

Anyway, I stand up after I’m done and my f’ing keys fly out of the hole in my jean Read the rest of this entry »

We have interoffice instant messaging system and this is a conversation I just had with one of my co-workers:

Me: ‘hold on man, I think I’ve got to run to the bathroom.
Me: I think I’m gonna have diarrhea. I’ll brb.
Co-Worker: god speed

25 minutes later’

Me: dude, I just had mud butt to the extreme
Co-Worker: was it squishy?
Me: it sounded like I was throwing up out of my ass

Everyonce in awhile when my workload gets to a minimum, i’ll go to the bathroom and fall asleep on the john. I think my record is about an hour.