I work with this retard who is a micro-managing church boy. His name, Ned Flanders. That is what I have called him since I started this place. I swear to that if I hear these bullshit project management terms, I’m going to scream. What the hell does “level set” mean anyway? This week Ned is on vacation in trailor trashville. I’m loving life. Last week Ned is sneaky and comes sneaking up behind my cube when I am trying to do what I do best at work as an AOL instant messenger protocol engineer, fa Read the rest of this entry »

I work with complete idiots. I am not just saying that. They are so mentally deficient, a broom could handle the workload in a more productive manner. There are two managers. One got the job because he goes to church with our director. He has absolutely zero experience in the technology field. His degree is in accounting. WTF??? The other only got her job because the previous manager was such a colossal fuck up that after 5 years, they had to replace him. Lesser of two evils I suppose. Anyway, m Read the rest of this entry »

Listen, I’m no botanist or anything, but in the kitchen where I work we have a bunch of half and half coffee creamers just laying out on the counter. Don’t they go bad? Shouldn’t they be in the fridge? It’s going to smell like sour milk in here.

I just started a new job this past Monday. Not at all a bad job, so far. Some of the people around me are a little…odd. 5 Girls in the office are currently pregnant. They are the Pregos. One of these girls refers to herself as ‘Knocked Up’-I swear. She told me that my first day. “I’m really going to be gaining weight now, I’m knocked up!” she said. “Well then, I guess congratulations are in order!” I said. Indeed. They had been ‘trying’ for awhile to get…knocked up. I was told not to discuss Read the rest of this entry »

I used to work for a large pizza company that had a penchant for hiring felons and all-around retards.

One time my manager hired a dude named Gus. Gus was a freestyle rapper that looked like a broke-ass Eminem. He used to constantly freestyle at the make table. He would rap about the dumbest shit, making pizzas and stuff. “Gus is in here to get things shakin, cookin up pies with Canadian Bacon”

He had a tattoo on his neck that said “TRACEY.” W Read the rest of this entry »

So this brand new guy walks into the office today. As if there wasn’t enough pressure on you your first day, this guy decided to take it up a notch by wearing a Canadian tuxedo. It was totally out of control. There was denim everywhere. Who is this guy trying to kid?

He hadn’t worked for more than an hour and a half before he got a nickname. He will forever be known as Levi Strauss as long as he works at this company. Great job Levi!

One time this girl I worked with asked to borrow my chapstick, but I can’t stand her so instead I gave her a small glue stick and she wiped it all over her face.

I write emails and instant message my officemate when I could just as easily talk to him. I think I may start calling him as well…

on his cell phone.

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. “What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

This dude in my offices wears the same pants every single day. They’re not even cool pants. They are gross and crusty.