I’ve jacked off in the work restroom so often that I get a chubby just from the smell of shit.

This is awkward cuz I fart a lot and wear tight pants.

I just farted at my desk. I had headphones on so I have no idea how loud it was. I am pretty sure someone heard it. There are people all around.

Have you ever had one of those days where the work is pilling up around you, but you can’t seem to actually get motivated enough to do any of it?

Yeah, today is a day like that for me. I have 6 projects due in a matter of days, and all I can concentrate on is Yahoo! Pool.

A guy I work with likes to violently thrust his pointer finger at my flat-panel monitor to show me stuff making discolored swirls where his finger hits the LCD. I can see the picture on the web page even when your finger is a foot away, you know.

Whenever I deliver pizza and I do not receive a tip, I run my key down the side of the customer’s car and/or step on their flowers.

I got a high five from a co-worker today because he was able to successfully submit and internet form. What a tool.

I went out to the bar last night and got way too drunk. I woke up 2 hours late for work and didn’t shower before going in.

I smell horrible, my clothes are dirty, and I’m going to puke any minute now.

I had some wicked pasta for lunch today and really had to let one rip. I got on the elevator and figured WTF, so I let it fly. Of course on the way up to my floor, the elevator makes every stop possible. To make it worse, the smell followed me to my office where I share a room with four other people. Now, I’m thinking of going to the top floor and jumping off the roof.

At work I sent out an email with facts from 100 years ago about America. One of the facts was that the US flag only had 45 stars on it, so Cindy an american born and raised girl says to me “I don’t get it, is there more now?” True story and yes I laughed at her~.

I told my boss that one of my co-workers was stealing supplies and petty cash. It was a huge lie.