Whenever I deliver pizza and I do not receive a tip, I run my key down the side of the customer’s car and/or step on their flowers.

I got a high five from a co-worker today because he was able to successfully submit and internet form. What a tool.

I went out to the bar last night and got way too drunk. I woke up 2 hours late for work and didn’t shower before going in.

I smell horrible, my clothes are dirty, and I’m going to puke any minute now.

I had some wicked pasta for lunch today and really had to let one rip. I got on the elevator and figured WTF, so I let it fly. Of course on the way up to my floor, the elevator makes every stop possible. To make it worse, the smell followed me to my office where I share a room with four other people. Now, I’m thinking of going to the top floor and jumping off the roof.

At work I sent out an email with facts from 100 years ago about America. One of the facts was that the US flag only had 45 stars on it, so Cindy an american born and raised girl says to me “I don’t get it, is there more now?” True story and yes I laughed at her~.

I told my boss that one of my co-workers was stealing supplies and petty cash. It was a huge lie.

I work with retards. Instead of answering a question, or saying “I don’t know,” they request that we hold a meeting to wprove the in fact know nothing. I hate my job and everyone around.

Whenever my officemate leaves the room I put a few more paperclips in his paperclip box. He keeps bragging to me about how long his box of paperclips has lasted. What a moron. Who actually takes pride in a never ending box of paperclips? Hey Ponce de Leon, it’s not the Fountain of Youth, why don’t you try getting laid once in a while. Loser.

I work with this retard who is a micro-managing church boy. His name, Ned Flanders. That is what I have called him since I started this place. I swear to that if I hear these bullshit project management terms, I’m going to scream. What the hell does “level set” mean anyway? This week Ned is on vacation in trailor trashville. I’m loving life. Last week Ned is sneaky and comes sneaking up behind my cube when I am trying to do what I do best at work as an AOL instant messenger protocol engineer, fa Read the rest of this entry »

I love the way passing gas, or ‘Farting’, in the workplace or in public is unacceptable - but as soon as you walk into the bathroom at work you can fart as much and as loud as you want.

Damn social norms…