Dear Mr. Murray


Dear Mr. Murray,

Thank you for giving me time to ask the maitre’d if we could fit your group in this weekend. He manages all final reservation decisions at our restaurant, and I appreciate your patience.

Per our conversation today, I do apologize I was unable to make your reservation for 8 people on Saturday. Perhaps the blame may fall on me…I will accept it. When we spoke a week earlier, I did make it clear that we are unable to accept reservations of more than 6 people on Saturday nights, due to the physical limitations of our floor space at the restarurant. You agreed that a party of 6 would have to do, and we set the date, agreeing that two more persons could not and would not be added to the party. In haste, I failed to continue to call you every day to remind you of this fact, and for that, I am sorry. Your forgetfulness is my fault; whenever I am told an important rule or fact, I too conveniently fail to remember, and I know what it’s like; it’s never my fault either.

I am thrilled that it is your wife’s 60th birthday, and that you have been married 30 years. By my calculations, you have only had slightly less than 11,000 days to plan this dinner since you’ve married, and leaving it until the last 8 days before the event is understandable. I realize that time is money, and in the everyday hustle and bustle, those 10, 942 days can easily fly right by before you know it. Once, I planned my birthday dinner, without even realizing it, after my birthday! Truly a humorous occurence.

Regarding your question, “How would you feel if you were me”, and subsequently demanding an answer, I regret not giving you a truly honest answer. I said I would be “upset”, and you asked me “just upset?”, and I sad yes. This was not wholly accurate. In truth, I should have noted that while I would have been upset, I would not have acted like a four year old child, thrown a tantrum over the phone to someone who has no final decision in anything the restaurant does, threatened to take my business elswhere, tell all my friends not to go here, listed off a number of places better i.e. “the Ritz wouldn’t do this to me, Maestro wouldn’t do this to me”, or demanded answers to absolutely ridiculous questions that we both know the answer to but I need to make the other person answer to portray an illusion of control over things(example: “how would you feel?” “it’s a straightforward question, answer it”). I would simply accept life, realize that my poor lack of planning does not constitute an emergency in everyone else’s life, and move on. Please accept my most sincere apologies for an incomplete answer.

I truly appreciate your suggestions for us to “just move two 4 person tables together”. It is no fault but our own that our tables conform, unfortunately, to basic geometric certainties. It is important to note that when combing two squares with four sides each, you create a rectangle with four sides, not eight. This creates six place settings, two diners each on the long side and one each on the ends; to create eight, with three diners on each side, facing eachother, and two diners on the ends, we would require three tables; four tables if you would prefer to have all diners sit facing eachother. I am sure this is a minor oversight on your part, as our tables are in fact 3 years old; we are working on updating them at present time to defy the laws of physics.
Regardless, I have mentioned this to management, and after careful review, this is generally accepted as a possibility in the future. As luck would have it, many of our tables are already constructed of four equidistant sides, thus working to our advantage if the need arose to arrange two or more adjacent to each other. If I may mention it, a good friend of mine is in the Crate Stacking/Furniture Arrangement industry, and is always looking for new talent. With creativity like yours, you may have stumbled onto an unlikely career path that will lead you to great success.

I am sorry to lose, as you described, “a great customer that’s been there many times”. It may be human error, but our computer system currently shows no record of you ever visiting our establishment, thus denying us the possibility of recalling all the great times you had here. Even last names Murrey, Murry, Murri, Murre, and even Mury show no record; silly computers!

In closing, I truly appreciate your time, but would be lying if I didn’t say I seriously don’t give a fuck who you are or whose special whatever it is, we’re not bending the rules at will for you, no matter how hard you cry and whine about it.

you fucking douchebag

posted under Rants
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